


What I Want

by everydayistuesday



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dead Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester and Castiel first kiss, Fix-it fic, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Sam shows up for a moment too, Upset Castiel, and Jack, brief discussion of depression/lack of will to live, it’s not as dark as the tags imply I swear, maybe a little angst with a happy ending, not for long though, post 15x20, references to 15x18, technically 15x20 divergent from the nail, this was going to be a crack fic but then it didn’t crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28664427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everydayistuesday/pseuds/everydayistuesday
Summary: “I know what you think I deserved, Cas. But what about what I wanted?”Cas isn’t happy to find out that Dean is dead. Dean deserved to live. He deserved happiness. Even if it meant it was without Cas.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 74





	What I Want

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a crack fic but then I made it a lil angsty. Any and all mistakes are mine.

Castiel loved Dean Winchester. 

  
Dean Winchester did not love Castiel. 

That was why, despite wanting to with every bit of his Chrysler building-sized being, Cas stayed in heaven when Jack pulled him out of the Empty. 

When Cas got out, the first thing he had done was ask about Dean. 

“He’s okay,” Jack had said, “but he misses you. A lot. You should go see him.”

So Cas did. Sort of. Wings and grace fully restored, he headed to the bunker. Unseen, he watched Dean. 

Dean had been woken up by a honey-colored dog that had pressed its nose into his face. Grudgingly, he’d sat up and rubbed the dog’s head before leaving his room. 

Cas followed him, but not before seeing a job application form sitting on his desk.

Dean went to the kitchen, the dog trailing behind him. 

Sam came in a short bit later, running jacket unzipped and forehead damp with sweat. 

Dean pushed an omelette at him and made a joke about running. 

Sam rolled his eyes. The omelette was gone within a few minutes, then he left. 

Dean watched him go, a smile on his face. 

Cas turned away. He had seen enough. 

Dean was happy. Happy without him. Cas wasn’t going to screw that up. 

Jack had been surprised to see him back, but he didn’t push. Instead, he asked if Cas would help him rebuild heaven. 

Dean didn’t need Castiel in his life, as much as Castiel needed Dean in his. 

“Okay,” Cas had said. 

At the very least, when Dean showed up in another forty or fifty years, Cas would be able to give something to him that he would want. A peaceful place to rest. 

Now, it had been about a month since Cas had last seen Dean. Since his heart had split in two. 

Since then, Jack and Cas had taken the walls between the individual heavens down. People were free to see loved ones, no longer confined to reliving memories. Memories could be made. 

There was still work to be done, of course. It was all very repetitive in terms of the landscape. The ratio of day to night was out of proportion. Some other kinks had to be worked out. But all in all, heaven was coming along nicely. 

By the time Dean got there, heaven should be finished. 

That thought didn’t provide as much comfort for Cas as he wished it did. 

Currently, Cas was walking along the side of a road, shaded by trees that stretched endlessly in every direction. Almost as though they had been copied and pasted. Another thing that had to be fixed. 

It was quiet, except for the rustle of leaves. No birdsong; yet another thing to be added. Then-

For a moment, Cas thought he was hearing things. But no, he’d know the rumble of that engine anywhere. He turned. 

There, behind him, the Impala was cruising down the road. It got closer, and Cas froze. In the front seat-

Dean was just as he remembered. Deep green eyes, dark blond hair. Not visible from this distance, a smattering of freckles across his face. His face was set in a hard line, and-

Cas’ stomach dropped. 

  
He was looking at Cas. 

Cas broke out of his stupor and turned to walk straight into the forest. He couldn’t deal with this. Not now. Not ever. He couldn’t bring himself to hear Dean snap at him, or even worse, tell him thank you and move on. He couldn’t take hearing another “you’re family.” 

“Cas! Cas, wait!” 

Cas didn’t think he’d ever hear Dean say his name again. Something in him broke. 

The Impala screeched to a stop behind him, but Cas kept walking. 

Dean threw open the door and rushed after him. “Cas!”

He would  _ not _ turn around,  _ he would not turn around _ , and then-

If Dean was here… and here was heaven….

Cas stopped. 

Dean sighed in relief as he caught up. “Thank god. I thought-“

“What the  _ hell _ do you think you’re doing here, Dean Winchester?” Cas demanded, whirling around. 

Dean froze. “Uh-“

“Why are you here?” 

“Well, I- uh-“ Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times before trying to talk again. “There was a hunt, and, uh, it- I mean, well, look how it turned out. I’m dead, Cas. That’s why I’m in heaven. But-“

“You were supposed to live,” Cas said sharply. “Dammit, Dean, you were supposed to live.” 

“What was the point?” Dean snapped, suddenly defensive. 

Cas stared at him. “You were happy. That was the point.”

Dean laughed darkly. “Happy?” He shook his head. “I was barely keeping it together. I smiled and put on a show for Sam, but when I got pushed into that nail? I was fucking thrilled. At least when I was dead, I’d get to relive my greatest hits, and you’d be in them.”

  
Cas breathed in sharply. Dean couldn’t- no, Cas had seen- he hadn’t-

Dean wasn’t finished. “And then I leave Sam behind and the first thing I find out when I get here? You’re alive. So why don’t you explain that.” 

“You- you and Sam, you were happy,” Cas said, voice still hard. “I saw, and you two looked- I didn’t want to ruin that. You were fine without me.” 

“No, I wasn’t. Dying was the best thing that happened to me since before you left. Since before you-“

“What was I supposed to think?” Cas asked. “You and Sam were together. You had a dog, you were going to apply for a job. And you deserved that life, Dean. Deserved to get out of hunting, to live without having to watch over your shoulder all the time, to-“

“I know what you think I deserved, Cas. But what about what I wanted?” 

Cas didn’t answer. Couldn’t. Not when Dean was looking at him like that. Desperate. Upset. And- 

“What I wanted,” Dean said, voice softening, “was something I didn’t know I could have.”

Cas shook his head, disbelieving. “What are you talking about?” He couldn’t mean-

Dean crossed the space between them with a few strides. 

He was close enough Cas could feel his breath. 

This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening.

“I wanted you to come home,” Dean said. “I wanted you to stay. And-“ He hesitated, then plunged on. “I wanted to be able to tell you I loved you.”

The world stopped. 

It was just them. Dean Winchester and Castiel. 

Castiel loved Dean Winchester… 

“Dean,” Cas started, but he was cut off by Dean’s lips against his. 

“I love you, Cas,” Dean said. 

…Dean Winchester loved Castiel. 

It was more than he had ever hoped for, and Cas couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face when they reluctantly pulled apart. 

“I- I love you too.” Cas took a breath, and his smile fell slightly. “I’m sorry-“

“Hey,” Dean interrupted gently. “S’okay. We’re together, right?” 

“Yes,” Cas agreed. “But Dean, I could have- it’s my fault you’re here. You shouldn’t be- be dead.” 

“I don’t give a fuck if I’m dead or not, long as I’m with you.” Dean sighed. “Jesus, you’re making me sound like I’m from a chick flick.”

  
Cas took Dean in. The same as he remembered. Even dead, he was still beautiful and loving. He was still Dean. Cas didn’t deserve him. 

Dean deserved the world. He deserved more. He deserved everything. 

Dean deserved to live. 

“I know,” Cas said, “but-“

“No buts, unless it’s the sexy kind,” Dean said, smiling. “I’ve got everything I want here.”

Cas leaned in and captured his lips. “As do I.”


End file.
